SUGARFREEXX

taza and husband

2012-01-15T15:00:00.004+08:00

Postcards From Italy from andrew+carissa on Vimeo.

my favorite love story ever! it's not all sugar-coated and breezy, but that's what makes it so real.

picturesque things I want to do in 2012

2012-01-15T13:43:00.006+08:00

In mid-March last year, inspired by Summer Pierre , I made a list of 100 things I want to do in 2011. Within 8 and a half months, I crossed off 68 items on my list, which left only 32 undone! (if I did my counting right) It is heart-warming to look back and see how far I've come and how much I've grown in less than 300 days. It really feels like quite an accomplishment.

Although the year did not start out on a fantastic note, I am certain that it is all part of learning to accept the fact that life is about working around plans that sometimes go awry, body system that once in a while go haywire when under tremendous amount of stress and too little rest. Today, I am down with a flu and am trying to come up with a list for this year while waiting for the doctor to be available after lunchtime. It's taking me a little longer as I find it so difficult to think of a list of 100 things that can match the awesomeness of last year's. Last year was about the predictable fun; reliving my childhood joy before I turned twenty one.

This year is about discipline and doing what fears me the most. And of course, having fun in the process, and feel the great spontaneity of being alive. As my body and health is the most important thing that belongs to me, I aim to take extra good care of myself this year by eating healthfully, exercising once a week, getting at least 7 hours of rest every night and avoiding excessive caffeine, sugar, trans fat, meat, processed food from the supermarket shelves and fast food. This year is also about consistency. Doing something once is one time not enough. The key is to lather, rinse and repeat. Keep doing what you love; what challenges you; what makes you who you are and what you are ultimately meant to be.

1. Learn to swim.
2. Eat piping hot thick-cut French fries with ketchup as a reward for learning how to swim. (I hope the canteen is still there after 10 odd years)
3. Sign up for driving lessons. (No more letting BTT, FTT and the car parked outside go to waste)
4. Attend a spinning class.
5. Visit the dentist. (Not so fun but it's about reliving my childhood and teenage fear)
6. Build a mini snowman.
7. Eat sushi, ride the shinkansen, shop and navigate around Tokyo.
8. Make a snow angel and snap a picture of it.
9. Create new (positive) memories in a beer factory.
10. Document a hand-made shoe manufacturing process.
11. Bake hot cross bun.
~~12. Make poached eggs on toast.~~
13. Wear an outrageous-looking dangling earrings and not feel weird about it.
~~14. Drink green tea with brown rice.~~ (To replace the morning coffee)
15. Go for an whole body check up. (Blood test, urine test and the full works)
16. Play a game of badminton.
17. Go to bed at 9pm on a weekend.
18. Eat delicious grilled squid in China.
19. Watch Westlife perform live one last time.
20. Study a minimum of 12 hours per week.
21. Buy a hammock.
22. Spend an afternoon swinging and lazing in that said hammock by the seaside.
23. Sleep alone in a hotel room in a foreign country.
24. Take a picture of a cat.
25. Eat ice cream when it's below zero degree Celsius.
26. Complete my first uni examinations.
27. Get wonderfully lost in a shoes wholesale centre.
28. Unsubscribe junk mails from Reebonz, Voucherlicious, Made With Love, The Outnet, Jobs Central, Jobstreet, Expedia and the like. (I always delete those without even reading the subject header)
29. Swing 180 degrees from the swing in the park.
30. Read Roald Dahl 'The Boy' once more.
~~31. Connect with a few of my favorite authors.~~ (Twitter has allowed me to thank Nick Johnstone and of course, Summer Pierre)
32. Go for a run along hydroponics farms near what I live.
33. Bake my favorite Rococoa cake!
34. Hand-make a gift hamper/kit for someone special.
35. Watch Titanic in 3D!!!
36. Keep a monthly desk calendar and actually make full use of it.
37. Compile my recipes from dozens of tiny notebooks into recipe cards and book.
38. Re-watch A Lot Like Love for the fourth time if it shows again on TV! (which has to be coincidental, because I probably watched a total of 3 hours of TV the whole of last year!!)
39. Dye my hair dark again. Back to my roots, pun intended. (Read about my urge 2 years ago)
40. Kiss a dog.
41. Kiss a baby.
42. Kiss a person.
43. Go on a "date" in London.
44. Snap a picture of an orange sky.
45. Reread one of my favorite childhood novel 'What Katy Did' and finally start on 'What Katy Did Next', which I had put off for more than ten years.
46. Blog with more substance and keep from using the f word. (I hardly use it in real life, promise)
47. Love what I love.

So far, I have 30 47 and I'm think it's enough for now. How in the world did I even come up with 100 things to do in one sitting last year. I'll leave you with one quote!

If life is a really short journey like it is, nothing should ever be considered as a failure. They should be setbacks. Obstacles that prevent us from reaching our destination earlier. Detours that can lead to the greatest things you never thought you will ever find.
- OHX

The only time I feel alive

2011-12-30T23:06:00.001+08:00

Is when I'm crying.

I'm crying for the number of hours I've wasted crying.
I'm crying for granting despair and desperation to take over.
I'm crying for having made others done the same.
I'm crying for the love lost, found and lost again.
I'm crying for allowing myself to feel small and inadequate.
I'm crying for the sake of doing so.
I'm crying for the need to let go.
I'm crying for every second closer to home.
I'm crying for each day spent happier away from home.
I'm crying for the elation of belongingness.
I'm crying for the desire to let them flow.
I'm crying for inspiration of how things drove.
I'm crying for the stuff which never fill the void.
I'm crying for friendship turned sour and spoiled.
I'm crying for the ways that no one will see.
I'm crying for uncontrollable laughters.
I'm crying for the tinge of sadness that often accompanies them.

p.s: Just found this post in my draft and I totally forgot when I wrote it. All I remember was standing inside the train on the morning commute, feeling like I didn't belong.

Kiko Mizuhara 水原希子

2011-12-30T22:46:00.000+08:00

Fear: It's all in the mind

2011-11-01T16:13:00.000+08:00

If I told you my fear

will you accept it
will you try to help me overcome it
will you believe me
will you understand or attempt to or pretend that you do
will you laugh
will you tell me that there is nothing to fear
will you ask me why
will you tell me a story of your own
will you jeer at me in a taunting manner
will you give a scornful remark
will you listen and not say a word
will you share your own deepest thoughts
will you think of me any less
will you put yourself in my shoes
will you feel more bonded like we shared something more
will you push me further away like we're from two different world
will you force me to look you in the eye
will you avoid my gaze like the blazing sun
will you hold me like a mother afraid of losing her daughter
will you treat me like a lioness longing to let her cub go
will you hand me the first bite of a tiny tart
will you finish it as I stare sideways at the crumbs
will you fully embrace the the uniqueness of every individual
will you be ashamed to face your own shortcomings
will you let your own emotions gush out like the blood from an open wound
will you bottle up your feelings like the stubborn cap of a badly-designed drink
will you live each day like it's your last day on earth
will you live each day like you have to live forever with the consequences of your own actions
will you love me any more
or any less

That is all I need to know

37 Things Left.

2011-11-01T13:27:00.001+08:00

Coincidentally, 37 is also the the idea that the book I am currently reading started out from, where the writer's stepdad found out he had cancer and died 37 days later.

Just crossed out 25 items from my List of 100 Things to Do. Some are stretched truth, others were done more than a year ago, only a few were accomplished with dignity and pride.

I often think I should also probably make a list of 100 Things I wish I hadn't done, things I should have handled more carefully, done more wisely, with more thought and spontaneity and effort and recklessness and love and strength and commitment and tact and humility and pride all at once and all the oxymoron you can think of.

Do they count?

2011-10-17T08:28:00.000+08:00

Have you ever opened your eyes in the morning, got out of bed, get dressed, the usual morning routine and then realize you don't know why you are awake for?

The constant flow of messages in your mind goes like this: "Shit! It's almost cut-off time to leave the house! Oh darn, I brought my pencil case out unintentionally on a non-school day!! F the train is so crowded. Oh f now I really missed my stop!" All this on-going one-way conversation goes on in my brain and I'm getting increasingly aware of my own internal vulgarity, even though I almost never verbalise them (okay except THAT one time when my foot suffered a wrenching, gut-twisting cramp, researchers claim that cursing can trick our mind into feeling less pain, and I do believe in science) Still, all these made me ponder if I am really a horrible person inside or that I simply enjoy a colorful vocabulary (love that one) even when society says that it is unlady-like and crude.

The thing that bugs me the most is, I don't even blink, my body doesn't reject those words out of my system.

14 September 2011 Wednesday 8.41pm

2011-10-17T00:38:00.000+08:00

stepping into a supermarket
knowing that fresh food are in abundance
walking out of the supermarket empty-handed
knowing that what I have is enough
a guitar being strummed softly
yet passionately in the middle of a coffee shop
the gentle rumble of thunder
trails closely behind the sharp flash of lightning
child-like pattering of tiny raindrops
on the sidewalk as I walk
barely being sheltered
so near to the source but yet so safe
watching in awe as someone
was led by her dog
to a path less trodden
feeling the comfort of a roof above my head
as the rain starts pouring all around me and
all around the things around me
the transition between day and night
when the sky falls too quickly
for the street light to start shining

all these and more resemble the feelings I have for you.

This thing that starts with the letter L.

2011-10-17T00:27:00.000+08:00

The thing about life is that you can never be too sure. How certain are you? What is your confidence interval? The upper-, lower- limit. 95%? 99.99%? I would say the probability is from 0 to 1, and you're going to call me out on that.

what I've been up to lately.

2011-05-02T18:26:00.001+08:00

Since work started a month ago, I've been too busy fumbling in the kitchen after work, making dinner, packing lunch, reading 'on a dollar a day', to really find time to sit down in front of a computer to blog.

Completed a few more things on my list, like #9, going to a bar and order Shirley Temple, #94, tie a cherry stem knot.

#51, make pizza dough at home.

#74, make stuffed mushrooms.

things that make me happy

2011-03-25T17:33:00.004+08:00

Melting butter in a non-stick pan.

Ladling batter and watching it spread into a somewhat circle.

Flipping the rounds and watching them brown and sizzle.

Eating pancakes in the morning.

Taking pictures of my food.

Unwrapping the packages of sliced cheddar cheese and shredding ham on top.

Bringing out a gadget from the cupboard.

Squashing the sandwich inside and closing the lid tight.

Amazed by the the vast difference.

Melted cheese and black pepper.

Home-made lemonade with lots and lots of ice.

The colour of my snack.

Juicy papaya against Tifanny blue.

Making Jool's favourite pasta for dinner last night, which has sort of became my favourite.

And this! It really made me laugh.

baked ham & three-cheese egg with garlic toast soldier

2011-03-23T21:58:00.007+08:00

I've been thinking about baked eggs and toast soldiers ever since I tried a delicious version with bacon at Epicurious. That combination of crisp toasted bread dipped in soft, cheesy, flavourful egg. A sudden thought spurred me to make them for dinner tonight.

Reached for my Nigella Express cookbook and found a recipe for the unpronounceable Oeufs en Cocotte (eggs in ramekin) and tweaked the recipe, as my fridge doesn't have cream/milk or truffle oil. What I did have were shaved ham and three types of cheeses.

I found my eggs a little too runny (like the half-boiled kind you can find at Ya Kun Kaya Toast) for my liking. Maybe it was because the hot water bath I used was from the insulated kettle with water boiled this morning. If you use boiling water, it should turn out fine. Or it depends on your preference.

And here comes the perfect accompaniment, garlic toast soldiers. Buttery and crisp.

To round them up, I served them with Chinese pear salad with sesame dressing. The nutty and salty Japanese sesame dressing goes really well with the sweet Chinese pear; or you can use any fruit or dressing lying in the fridge. Okay, I'll admit that the real reason I was excited to make salad was because I wanted to try out the brand new salad spinner I bought yesterday! Works great!

For the baked egg:
(to serve 1)

butter for greasing
2 eggs
1 tablespoon cream (or milk, you can omit it if unavailable)
2 slices shaved ham, torn into bite-sized pieces
20 g shredded cheddar cheese (or mozarella, gruyere, swiss)
1 tablespoon Philadelphia cream cheese, crumbled
1 teaspoon parmesan cheese
a pinch of black pepper (skip the salt if you're using cheese)

*you can use bacon, spinach, chopped tomatoes, sauteed mushrooms or herbs too, just place them at the base before the egg

1. Preheat the oven to 190 degree celsius or 375 degree F. Boil a kettle of water.
2. Grease one ramekin (about 250ml capacity), putting them in a small but deep oven-proof dish. I find the best way to grease something is to use your index finger, I learnt that trick from a well-meaning friend, just make sure to wash your hands beforehand.
3. Place the shredded ham in the ramekin, covering the base, followed by cheddar and cream cheese. I made mine in two alternate layers, but I find it pointless, since your soldiers will be too eager to dig up the contents once it's done.
4. Crack two eggs in, spoon over the cream (if using) and sprinkle parmesan on top.
5. Pour boiling water into the dish to come up to the top of the eggs. Bake in oven for 15 minutes.
6. Sprinkle with black pepper. Serve immediately, but take care not to spill the scalding hot water when removing from the oven.

For the garlic toast soldier:
(makes 4 soldiers)
*I would highly recommend you double the recipe to make 8 of these handsome gentlemen

1 slice wholemeal bread
1 tablespoon butter (I use slightly salted)
1 clove garlic, minced
1. Butter one side of the bread, toast for 5 minutes, buttered-side up.
2. Remove from toaster or oven and butter the other side, sprinkle with minced garlic.
3. Place back under heat and toast for another 5 minutes, until crisp.
4. Slice into 4 slices (it's easiest to use a scissors to cut them into strips). Place them back into the oven for a further 5 minutes and to keep them warm until the egg is ready. Keep an eye on them to prevent burning.

For the Chinese pear salad with sesame dressing:
(to serve 1)

a handful of butterhead lettuce, washed and torn into bite-sized pieces
1/4 Chinese pear, diced
3 cherry tomatoes, halved
1 tablespoon bottled Japanese creamy sesame dressing (Kinnogomadare)
1. Toss ingredients with dressing. Ready to serve.

Enjoy!

live colourfully

2011-03-23T13:01:00.000+08:00

Love painting my nails bright colours, because they remind me of tangerine sorbet and strawberry sherbet.
xx

#93, #52, #43

2011-03-22T23:39:00.007+08:00

It has been a rather eventful day spent mostly with brother, while sister joined us for dinner at Ikea after work. Seems like brother is always there for me when I need to make some major purchases, like my phone and running shoes today, and I really appreciate having a second opinion.

#93 Make honey French toast

On top of being my voluntary shopping bags-holder, I must also commend bro for being brave enough to eat the breakfast that I cooked this morning. Not just honey French toast, but this stuffed French toast filled with bananas and honey! Great combination, but I prefer my toast crisp, instead of soggy in the middle. So next time, I'll make it a point to brown both sides of a thin slice of bread and serve honeyed bananas on the side. Creamy scrambled eggs were a delicious result of leftovers!

#52 Eat Ikea's hotdog for lunch
After the long bus journey, we decided to stop by Ikea for some hotdog. We were navigating the area, looking for signs that lead us to the bistro, when this humourous article popped into my mind, and I had a funny time trying to describe it to bro.

Photo from Gail Werner Photography

#42 Get new running shoes

At last, I won't be running in my sister's yoga shoes that are 2 and 2/3 sizes too small for me.
Told bro about my 100 things, and as the day went by, the 3 things I crossed off today. He asked how long since I've started doing them, 12 days!! And yet, one third of my list is completed. It really showed me that doing things that might seem small at that time can contribute to a lot of satisfaction. Every tiny step counts. Even small kind gestures can mean the world to someone who needs it. Just keep doing what you're doing, as long as it feels right.

#68, #48, #50, #62

2011-03-21T16:40:00.003+08:00

While coming up with the list of 100 things, some are heartwarming, a few reminds me of my childhood, a couple overly self-indulgent, a handful are ridiculously challenging, some splurge-worthy, but all are doable and speaks to my true self. It made me discover what truly makes me happy and how I can work towards self-fulfillment.

Like Aron mentioned about the likelihood of not being able to complete every single thing on the list, it did crossed my mind, but that's the fun of it. It's what makes it exciting and adrenalizing. Worse comes to worst, there's always 2012. However, he also made me realize that I should change the title to "things I want to do" because nobody really likes a 'to-do list'.

Imagine a list that goes like this: #1 Get out of bed every morning #2 Smile at least once a day #3 Do not use any curse words. Well, then there is really no point.

#68 Wear green on St. Patrick's Day
It fell on last Thursday but I didn't want to wear anything prominent, so hence the green eyeliner.

#48 Eat an ice cream cone at home

That night, brother bought tubs of ice cream! So finally, we could enjoy chocomint cone while watching tv.

#50 Give a dog a hug

I was a lucky girl on Saturday at Kaysee's 21st birthday celebration, when there were not just one dog, but three! Autumn brought Christmas over and despite the constant barking from Lucky, I still find them adorable, especially Groovy.

#62 Cover someone's eyes from behind...

Did that alright, but I was trying so hard not to laugh that I just kept quiet. Had dunch at Epicurious, food and service weren't up to expectations, but I had a great time with fantastic company!

So there, can't wait for Ikea trip tomorrow!!!!

it feels like a holiday

2011-03-21T15:48:00.005+08:00

On a Monday when I don't have to get up at 7.30am, it sure is liberating. Dreamt that I was drinking fizzy punch, playing with little children and lying in a bright and beautiful room. Waking up in my own bed isn't too bad when there's so much to look forward to, especially when it's caramelized pineapples, ripe bananas and raspberry ice cream.

xx

#67 Make matcha cream cheese cupcakes

2011-03-13T22:30:00.007+08:00

Yesterday, I struck off another one on my list! How about an ever-growing list? Separate the 'done' and the 'want to do' and continue adding on to both.

Went to the park in the afternoon
and each time I passed the guarded gates
I got breathless way too soon
my mind raced faster than my legs

Talk about being vague
but these images
these images here are so vivid
it's like they happened yesterday

I can't catch up
hoping you'll turn around
my heart it aches
urging you to go ahead

Right this moment
this very day
the earth shakes
and the ground breaks

From the comfort we lay in
coziness of our beds
the light on our TV
roof above our heads

We are like a millionth of an ant
watching and waiting and praying
not even a speck of dust
and we get swept away

exuberant things I want to do in 2011

2011-03-10T18:50:00.014+08:00

Inspired by Summer Pierre and her list, I decided to blog something happy.

While trying to come up with this list, I noticed that a lot of things that I can think of, I'm glad to say 'been there, done that'! Now, I just have to "Lather, Rinse, Repeat!" Tirelessly do them again and again.

~~1. Write/blog about happy things as often as I like~~
~~2. Purchase and read "My Mistress's Daughter' by A.M. Homes~~
3. Sip Pacific Coffee's caramel latte while watching the sunset by the harbour
~~4. Go on a holiday trip with my girlfriends~~
5~~. Talk to cab driver about friends and people dying and how to live life to the fullest~~
6. Watch a fireworks display without any electronic device
7. Have a picnic where no one else is
~~8. Drink wine with no intention of getting drunk~~
~~9. Go to a bar and order shirley temple~~
10. Learn to swim
~~11. Buy a mini donut mold~~ (A gift from my AMAZING friends)
~~12. Bake mini donuts and give them away~~
13. Cycle in the pouring rain
14. Attempt to rollerblade without falling over more than 14 times
15. Enjoy a dimsum buffet
16. Hold a smile with a complete stranger for more than 10 seconds
~~17. Reply a complaint letter~~
~~18. Go to a concert~~ and NOT bring a camera (WESTLIFE! How could I not capture the moment)
~~19. Eat coconut and slurp it's juice by the roadside in a foreign country~~
~~20. Make memorable jokes with girlfriends about said coconut~~
~~21. Finish a red velvet cupcake by myself~~ (Very first attempt at baking a HUGE toxic-looking batch of them)
~~22. Befriend a complete stranger who resembles a grandfather~~
~~23. When given someone's name card, keep it for future reference~~
24. Design a personal name card
25. Pass out name card to a privileged, non-psychotic, friendly stranger
~~26. Imitate friends' annoying laughters to evoke more laughters without seeming annoying~~
~~27. Buy the instax mini 50s~~ (ANOTHER amazing gift <3 )
~~28. Reply 'good morning' to the delivery man out of the ordinary~~
~~29. Buy (MADE) cupcakes for everyone in the office~~
~~30. Tell someone 'you look great' when they really do~~
~~31. Fly a kite~~
~~32. Be vegan for a day~~
33. Watch a 3D movie at home
34. Beat my brother at a PS3 fighting game
35. Borrow all of David Sedaris books
~~36. Successfully surprise someone~~
~~37. Bake a birthday cake for someone I don't know~~
38. Wear red lipstick ON my lips (not around)
~~39. Hunt down Kinder Surprise (not the crappy nutella disguised as egg)~~ got it for x'mas! all thanks to this.
40. Eat Cadbury Creme Egg when it isn't Easter
41. Watch Hop!
~~42. Make an inspiration board~~
~~43. Get new running shoes~~
44. Do Body Balance and Body Vive back to back
~~45. Climb 11 storeys back home~~
46. Finish reading The Great Gatsby
47. Buy daisy/gerbera for someone
~~48. Eat an ice cream cone at home~~
~~49. Carry a baby for 5 minutes without fear~~ and she's also the CUTEST baby ever.
~~50. Give a dog a hug~~
~~51. Make pizza dough at home~~
~~52. Eat ikea's hotdog for lunch~~
~~53. Wear my shades in public (but not in the train or at the beach) without feeling alienated~~
~~54. Get into uni~~
55. Wake up at 5am on a weekday to go jogging
~~56. Eat Baskin Robbins and pose a silly picture with the remnants~~
~~57. Laugh until you cry~~
~~58. Cry while watching a sad movie at home~~
59. Go back to the seesaw behind tca and talk hth with a friend
~~60. Walk barefooted along the beach and let the wave wash your feet after~~
~~61. Pick seashells and add them to my childhood collection~~
~~62. Cover someone's eyes from behind~~ and say 'guess who' in the deepest voice
~~63. Buy ice cream on a rainy day~~
64. Tip the cashier at McDonald's/KFC/BK/LJS/Wendy's/Freshness/MOS
65. Roll up magazine pages and make kacang puteh at home
~~66. Buy something vintage at a flea market~~
~~67. Make matcha cream cheese cupcakes~~
~~68. Wear green on St. Patrick's Day~~
~~69. Dine at Buddy Hoagies (with Ahyi~~ and Juz)
~~70. Share a bed with two of your best friends (for two nights)~~
~~71. Frame up a drawing from a friend~~
~~72. Get rid of old shoes/clothes~~ AMAZING FEELING.
~~73. Win a game of Monopoly deal~~
~~74. Make stuffed mushroom~~
~~75. Print a hand-drawn shirt for a special friend~~
~~76. Wear rings to work~~
~~77. Bake chocolate chip cookies~~ with maple syrup and bacon icing (better yet, with candy cane kisses)
78. Take an hour-long walk alone at the reservoir
~~79. Say 'sorry' and ask for forgiveness when I screw up~~
~~80. Give a present you know someone really wants~~
81. Eat fried mars bar without any guilt
~~82. Strike a conversation with a neighbour~~
83. Openly snap a picture of 'fei mao' my hairdresser
84. Ask him if anyone has told him he looks like a HK actor
~~85. Give a guyfriend a genuine hug~~
~~86. Send Nicky Byrne a shameless tweet without sounding stalkerish~~
~~87. Plan a meaningful 21st~~
~~88. Stay up all night just to talk~~
~~89. Sleep in until it's time for dinner~~
90. Watch Westlife concert DVD on a Sunday afternoon
91. Take a picture with Santa Claus
92. Swim/waddle (see #10) at an infinity pool
~~93. Make honey French toast~~
~~94. Tie a cherry stem knot with my tongue without cheating~~
~~95. Have breakfast for lunch/dinner~~
~~96. Finish the whipped cream before the frappé~~
~~97. Make someone's birthday meaningful~~
98. Print out this list, put it somewhere prominent and cross them out (save the tree?)
99. Go to a buffet mainly for the chocolate fondue
~~100. Make someone's day~~ I hope somehow or rather, I did make somebody's day. You're welcome. :)

First Post of 2011

2011-01-13T13:24:00.000+08:00

I would like to think that I am generally a happy person. It is just my surroundings or circumstances or environment that cause me to be less happy than I would like to be. But you know what, that is just the worst excuse I can even come up with for not doing anything to change my own situation. It's like an innate form of coping mechanism that I fill my pages with words of dark, deep meaning, hoping someone will get a hint that I am actually really fucked up. Thus, any form of discrepancies or if I am being a let-down, it is because I am built this way.

So much for my first post of the year. I am so gonna shut this down.

Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway.

2010-08-21T22:18:00.000+08:00

cheesy but cute.

2010-08-04T00:02:00.007+08:00

Lauren + JP from Matt Odom on Vimeo.

Happiness is Made of This

2010-07-18T23:25:00.000+08:00

The beautiful sky right outside the door; the orange sky in the distance. A picturesque sight amongst the hustle and bustle.

Surrounding myself with books I adore, and will read and reread.

To be continued...

you are by far my favourite

2010-07-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

Ingrid Michaelson - Sort Of

2010-06-27T23:38:00.000+08:00

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales

That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My loves too big for you my love
My loves too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

2010-06-15T00:00:00.003+08:00

This article brought tears to my eyes, tears of joy but I blink them back home.

What Happens When You Die?
by Erin Pavlina
I’ve gotten a lot of emails asking me variations on this question so I thought I’d do an entire blog entry on this subject to help everyone understand what I believe happens. Remember I said “I” because this is my belief. Accept it if you want, reject it if you want, that’s all up to you.

How We Got Here

First we need to understand how we got here. Your consciousness, your soul, your energy made a decision to incarnate into a human body so that you could have experiences that you can’t get in the ether. You agreed and decided to take physical form to work on karmic issues, personal growth, or to help the planet evolve. You chose your parents, planned some major life events, worked things out with some other souls who would also be around when you were, and got busy gettin’ born. Then the veil was drawn over your memory so you could act out your life without knowing why you were there.

Your Life in a Nutshell

Now you’re living, having experiences, learning lessons, making a difference, running into people you’re supposed to, etc. You’re living. Your higher self is left to be the caretaker of your life plan and to nudge you along the way so that you have the experiences you arranged to have during your incarnation. If you can get in touch with your higher self and get access to that plan, so much the better! Otherwise you live your life the way most people do, bopping around from one event to the next, from one relationship to the next, from one job to another, etc.

Deciding to Die

You decide when your soul is going to go back to the ether. Yes, you read that right. You decide. It’s not random. You don’t just get hit by a bus or get cancer or slip in the shower. On a soul level you make the decision as to when you’re going to go home. You generally do this after you’ve fulfilled the course outline for your life, the one that your higher self has been hanging on to. If you’re lucky, you’ve fulfilled all the tasks on your “to do” list. If life overwhelms you, then perhaps you’ve decided to end it all prematurely. But most people go home when the time is right. You don’t have to decide how you die, just that you are going to and the universe takes care of the rest. So, you decide the when and the universe decides the how. When someone you know dies, take comfort in knowing that it was a choice. The sadness you feel is for yourself and how you will handle the loss of such a wonderful friend or family member.

Making the Transition

I think it was Woody Allen who said, “I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” People fear death because they don’t know what’s going to happen or what it’s going to feel like. It might hurt, it might not. But the point is that death really lasts just a moment. Try to enjoy the process. When death takes place you will leave your body behind forever. It’s just a shell after that. Whether you are buried, cremated, or stuffed and hung over a mantle won’t really make any difference to you. After all, after you shell a peanut do you bury, cremate or stuff the shell? No. You throw it away. It’s useless (or very nearly so). Wave bye bye to your body and look for a light, an angel, your deceased mother, or a kindly old man with chocolate chip cookies. Someone will come to guide you to the “other side.” Enjoy the process. If you feel like you need to stick around a little to see what happens to your body, go ahead, but don’t get too attached.

Going Home Again

Once you go into the light (or follow the man with the cookies) you will probably experience a life review. You get to watch your life unfold before you, and you get to see how it all turned out. If you harmed people in your life, you will probably feel the pain you caused them. So be nice while you’re still here. This is done so you can properly understand how important it is to live consciously and with pure intent. But I’m not here to preach. After your life review the real fun begins…

Playing Around the Ether

After your life review you get to decide where you go and what you do next. Some people choose to incarnate again pretty quickly. Others take time for reflection on what they want to do next. Some decide to tour the ether, the galaxy, or other dimensions. Some decide to spend time catching up on family news with their deceased relatives. And some decide to hang around the living, haunting them, sending them dreams, and playing “stop the clock” for their grandchildren. If you’re one of the more highly evolved beings (like Jesus or Buddha), you get to meet with higher beings and archangels in the ether to discuss plans and future goals. What you need to know here is that once you get to the ether you have things to do, plans to make, and travelling to accomplish. It’s fun. Look forward to it. But know that there is serious business going on up there.

What About Joy

Yes, did I forget to mention the joy and the love and the total sense of peace you get when you arrive home? All is well in the ether. You’ll feel wonderful. Have that piece of chocolate cake you’ve been denying yourself for the last 10 years. But seriously, it’s all good in the ether. They say you get to be 30 again. If you died before you were 30, you still get to be 30.

Then What?

So after you’ve had fun in the ether for a while then what do you do? Incarnate again to continue your spiritual growth, or stick around the ether as a guide for others, or … who knows? I don’t want to spoil all the surprises. You’ll see when you get there.

“But when do I get to meet God?”

After all that you’re probably wondering when you get to meet the Big Guy, the Head Honcho, the Cat’s Meow, right? You don’t have to look too hard. Just look in the mirror, right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait. There, you saw him/her/it. It’s really that simple people. You’re a projection of one aspect of God. If you believe in subjective reality then you’re just God focusing on you right now and that’s why it seems like you’re you and he’s him and she’s well… nevermind. The point is, God is within you. God is you. You are God. Learn that now and you can save yourself years of having to eat baby food. Big plus in my book.

Bottom Line

Dying is going home. It’s the thing you yearn for deep in your soul. It’s the thing you know deep down inside but aren’t willing or able to remember. But until it’s time for you to go, remember to live your life on purpose, be nice to the other pieces of God walking around on our planet, and have a piece of cake for Heaven’s sake, it’s not gonna kill you.

2010-06-08T00:21:00.000+08:00

Goodnight.

Good Morning.

heart in the middle

2010-05-29T00:29:00.001+08:00

Amanda is so talented, her blog should come with a WARNING: once you start reading, you may never catch some sleep at night. Just look at her tutorial on icing a cookie, I think if I ever lay my hands on one of those, I will never bear to eat it.

I can recall making marzipan roses in school, it's quite nostalgic.

all the colours you can sink your teeth into and rest your tongue on

2010-05-28T23:50:00.005+08:00

pictures from krisatomic

for recipe, go to I am Baker

Tell me, is it too late to jump on the rainbow cake bandwagon, but I find this oh-so-irresistable, especially the shamrock cake. It makes me wish everyday is St Patrick's day, and we can all dress up in green, drink Guinness spiked with Pernod, and best of all, bake this green layered cake.

At first, I find the trend a fad that would come and go, albeit an adorable one. But eating all that colouring that all tastes like vanilla, or Angel Food White Cake, or whatever instant cake mix you are using, just seems boring and harmful to me. Call me whatever, but the thought of ingesting all that artificial colouring with names like E160c didn't really appeal to me.

On the upside, Amanda from I am Baker used only fruits, with minimum food colouring for hers. Pictures are above. Recipe here.

Red- 1/2 cup pureed strawberries

Orange- Two tablespoons of freshly grated orange zest and 1 tsp. freshly squeezed orange juice
Yellow- Two tablespoons of freshly grated lemon zest
Green- 1/2 cup of diced kiwi
Blue-1/2 cup of blueberries, plus a few pureed for color
Purple- 1/2 cup of finely diced purple grapes, 1 tablespoon lemon zest, 1 tablespoon orange zest

The thing is, I would choose experience over substance anytime.

2010-05-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

The thought of spending my days working in an office, a confined space, used to freak me out like nothing ever could. I was used to travelling to work in a shirt, a pair of shorts and sandals, and during work, lugging myself around in my un-ironed baggy chef whites and heavy safety boots. Sometimes forgetting my black socks and having to do without, walking around in the slightly oversized, scratchy shoes. Now, I hate to admit it but being at a desk all day has its plus points too. I'm actually really enjoying it. How do I put it, it feels like I used to be the one scooping ice cream, and now, I'm the one buying and eating the ice cream, with cherries, chocolate fudge brownie and rainbow sprinkles on top, and it is more than just great, it is incredible.

R.I.P mama hamster

2010-05-25T00:56:00.000+08:00

you didn't even wait for me to say goodbye.

2010-05-16T14:46:00.000+08:00

From This Book Will Save Your Life by A.M. Homes:

Richard changed the subject. "The other day, I saw a squirrel that had just been hit by a car; it wasn't dead, it was just lying there, kicking frantically."
     "Did you roll over it?"
     "What do you mean?"
     "Did you drive your car over it and put it out of its misery?"
     "No; why?"
     "Well, won't you want someone to do that to you if you were on the side of the road - to put you out of your misery?"
     "No," he says, horrified; it would never occur to him. "No," he says again, making it perfectly clear. "Talk to me, hold my hand, but don't run me over."

2010-05-13T00:20:00.002+08:00

It's so much easier to let you go than to make you stay. And don't. Don't. Please don't. Don't even assume for one second that you, are who I am referring to, because the world isn't only about you and the world doesn't stop revolving because of you, but my heart, it can. Stop. Because what about me. I am nothing. It is not just me personally, we are all insignificant, in some ways. And significant in some other.

2010-05-01T18:32:00.000+08:00

Inadequate. I wake up each morning with the word stuck in my mind, hugging me like the too warm comforter that doesn't live up to its name. It does not even match up to knowing that there is a big test during the first period, because at long as you have studied, you may score. It's the dreaded feeling that no matter how hard you study, how hard you try, the paper will turn out to be a complete hoax that is actually real, a subject that you've never even heard before, and you're not going to make it.

Watching 'I Dreamed a Dream', followed by 'A Lot Like Love' on TV this morning, and it felt ironic. The commercial kept popping up with the headline 'Holiday Movie', and I kept asking to no one in particular, what holiday is it? "Every Saturday is a holiday," my brother said, only half kidding. And then, 'Labour Day Special' came up on TV. I reached for my phone. It is first of May. It is Labour Day today. It is exactly one year. How could I forget? How could I not remember? How could I not feel a thing? What? Did I expect my body clock to go off and play a melody of some sort?

What is Labour Day? Googled it and found out the celebration of Labour Day has its origins in the Eight-hour day movement, which advocated eight hours for work, eight hours for recreation, and eight hours for rest. More like thirteen hours of work, two hours of commute, one hour getting ready, another couple hours to stone on the couch because I'm tired to move, and six hours of curling up in bed on a typical weekday.

'A Lot Like Love' is the type of movie nobody I know would enjoy but me. Watched it thrice and it's the kind of movie that drags on and on with half-funny dialogues that make audience laugh for one second, two if they're really funny, three ha ha has if the joke is hilarious. It is the type of movie I would love to read about, if it was a novel. The movie sometimes feels a lot like life, and the soundtrack is awesome. Wikipedia it, the reviews are hilarious, either you hate it or you love, there is no in between.

'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.'

2010-04-25T16:49:00.011+08:00

Having never really thought about the privilege I had, the enjoyment of having a wholesome sweet-tart, juicy apple being cored, quartered, arranged on a plate and sent to my desk for me to munch on, or if I happened to be in the living room, a snack for when watching TV. Since we were kids, it has always been like this, a ritual even. That may be partly why when I hold a perfumed Asian pear in my hand, I chew it down to the slightly sour and tannic core, bitten down to the stem and where the seeds are revealed, that's when I stop and toss the disassembled fragments into the bin.

Having just finished reading 'Looking for Alaska' by John Green, it's like uncovering a whole lot of answers to questions I never knew I was looking for. The questions I have already heard before and answered them more or less the same way John Green did. I feel obliged to mention that the day I had the smokey chicken chop with paprika fries, talking to my friend, before he told me the terrible news, a question popped out of the blue, "Do you believe in afterlife?"

I took a long while to swallow and think. About the abruptness of the question and how to answer it. "No," I said, as the image of heaven and hell and reincarnation and Nezha flashes through my mind. I don't know why Nezha but TV drama about Eight Immortals and deites formed a large part of my childhood. The memory stored in the corner of my brain like winter clothings stashed in an Ikea cardboard box to be dug out and worn when the time comes, except I don't own any winter clothings.

Just the other day, I felt compelled to ask a friend of mine, "What do you think happens to people when they die?"

"It depends," he dragged out each syllabus, "Either they go to heaven, or they don't. Where do you think they go?"

"It depends," I said quickly, "Either they get buried under the soil or they get burned and turned into ashes."

"The urn."

"Oh yes, the urn."

There are so many paragraphs in the book worthy of quoting, but I don't know where to begin and how to explain each and every detail. But that's why they are quotes, picked from all over the pages, mostly from the last few sections.

"People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn't bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn't bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn't even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people belived in an afterlife because they couldn't bear not to."

"I thought at first that she was just dead. Just darkness. Just a body being eaten by bugs. I thought about her a lot like that, as something's meal. What was her – green eyes, half a smirk, the soft curves of her legs – would soon be nothing, just the bones I never saw. I thought about the slow process of becoming bone and then fossil and then coal that will, in millions of year, be mined by humans of the future, and how they would heat their homes with her, and then she would be smoke billowing out of a smokestack, coating the atmosphere. I still think that, sometimes, think that maybe "the afterlife" is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled."

"But ultimately, I do not believe she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationship she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you do not get her. There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed."

"'Everything that comes together falls apart.' The cells and organs and systems that make you you – they came together, grew together, and so must fall apart. The Buddha knew one thing science didn't prove for millennia after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."

"We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, becasue nothing can last, not even earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did."

"Rabe'a al'Adiwiyah, a great woman siant of Sufism, was seen running through tthe streets of her hometown, Basra, carrying a torth in one hand and a bucket of water in the other. When someone asked her what she was doing, she answered, 'I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because he is God.'"

2010-04-19T01:48:00.007+08:00

"Why'd you look so nervous?" he stood there and said just as I was walking up the stairs, planning my steps carefully just so I could look down at my freshly-painted toenails and prevent my eyes from betraying me.
Caught red-handed for no crime that I've committed, I erased whatever little espression I have left on my face, bit the insides of my cheek, a trick I learnt since I've known how to hide my feelings on the rare occasions, and forced myself to look at him and smiled my fake smile that I hoped look real.
"So, I'll see you..." I paused, trying to recall what day is it.
"On Wednesday." He offered.
"Right, Wednesday. Byeee." I waved meekly, even though it's all but Sunday night.

Nervous. I was thinking on the bus. Thinking. Just pondering over things that I can't really recall now. And why. How could he tell what I was thinking. He can't. He shouldn't have to. There's no need to. No reason why.

Then I asked myself and wanted to ask everyone I came across: have you ever part ways with someone and worry that you'll never see that person ever again? Though you know perfectly well it's very much unlikely. Still, when you are together, an hour feels like a minute and when you're not, a day feels like a year, and you wonder how you're gonna get through that 'year', then you realise it's not gonna be that way. It just feels that way sometimes.

An elderly man who was apparently acting crazy on the bus, lying down, stretched across three cushioned seats, and making a din, I couldn't bring myself to look at him. For a second, an image flashed across my mind, the man was charging towards me with a paring knife. I shuddered and for once, feared the possibility that I will never see your face again, I will never get the chance to tell you everything you ought to know. I will never get old enough to open the "belief" that might promise faith, trust, acceptance, that could be nothing at all. I might never know.

.

journal.

2010-04-08T17:45:00.008+08:00

These are typed out from the pages of my personal journal. Some people call it 'diary', or as I read in a novel once about a middle-aged woman living in the sixties who was having an affair, she called it her 'account book' - a book with a little metal lock that comes with a pair of tiny keys, these are just thoughts that flood my mind, mostly right before I go to bed at night. They come out in gushes, like the kind of non-stop heavy rainfalls that last for days and nights, similar to the one I once experienced right before a hailstorm in Malaysia, the rain water flooded up to my six-year-old knees. I wrote these before I staggered upon The Safety of Objects in the library one afternoon by chance, right at the bottom of the bookshelves; I thought these thoughts before I even knew who A.M. Homes was; before I felt compelled to be completely honest
with these thoughts and feelings that were real, that were me, more than anything else.

29/03/2010 (Monday) 11.53pm
A part of me has always wanted to die. To know how it is like to stop breathing, stop thinking, stop caring, stop wanting and basically, stop living. To curl up in a corner of the bedroom, make my heart stop, and take my last breath. To leap off the tallest building and glance down, arms outstretched and think about how beautiful it is to be floating in mid-air. Not just floating but plummeting. But for a few seconds, I look around at the familiarly unfamiliar and it feels as though it's the buildings that are rising at top-speed. The view may not be spectacular, but it feels good with the wind rushing by, tousling my hair in such a way that it almost seems romantic, the cool sharp air brushing against my bare skin.

And then as if it knew it had to stop, everything will come to a standstill, like freezing time, freezing earth, freezing the entire universe. Unfreeze. My body will shatter into a million little pieces - much like how cheap wine glass breaks when it drops on concrete or marble, it doesn't matter what - to match my life. The pain will be temporary. It will go away as sudden as it came. Afterwards, I won't feel anything.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to die. I might die one day, not knowing what it's like to die.

02/04/10 (Friday) 12.35am
Just four days ago, I was sitting here, at this exact spot in the spare room where no one lives, writing about leaping off buildings and thinking, wondering what it's like.

And just today, I was in the midst of lunch, sawing through my smoky, char-grilled but taste more like burnt teriyaki chicken chop, piercing the skin of my red potato salad, stuffing paprika-sprinkled fries into my mouth as daintily as I could, scraping the insides of half a baked potato with too little butter, enviously looking at my partner's plate that is doused in melted butter from the other half of the potato and talking to this ex-colleague that somehow became my 'brother', who looks nothing like me, who told me about this guy, N, who committed suicide by jumping down a building twenty stories high.

As you can probably tell, I had a lot on my plate and my mind at that point in time. I didn't know what to say, how to react. Dealing with death doesn't come very natural to me, it isn't a skill anyone is born with, it's not instinct. An uncontrollable laugh escaped my throat, the nervous, dorky kind that I never thought I was capable of until then. But I hoped it didn't sound like I was laughing. This was no joke. My mind was a complete blur, the sort you tend to get after three shots of tequila in four seconds. I kept thinking to myself, "Did I hear correctly?", "Is this a cruel joke of some sort?", "It's 1st April afterall.", all the while looking at my friend/ex-colleague/'brother', searching his face for an answer, waiting for him to laugh and tell me he was only kidding. He looked dead serious. "Did he die?" I blurt out, still refusing to believe what he had just told me, as if denying the fact will make him seem alive to me somehow, an acknowledgement in my mind that he is still living, even if unhappily, he still exist, he is still part of this world. But I immediately felt stupid, and wanted to raise my right hand and conveniently stab myself in the left hand with my tableknife for asking, for even thinking of that question, like as if that was all I ever wanted to find out from him. "It's twenty freaking floor! Not the second." I had to repeat to myself silently, trying to gather my thoughts, it's a lot to process.

N was less than a friend but more than an acquaintance. In this age, it means we're friends on facebook, a contact on MSN, texted once or twice to ask about work, but hardly ever talk out of work unless we bumped into each other while out and about. But somehow, I knew I could always count on him in certain work-related ways.

The second thing I asked my friend.
Did he have any siblings?
Yes.
I went on to ask about their reactions at the funeral, the family's reactions, though I could already picture them in my head. The crying, the red swollen eyes, the tears, the Kleenex, the sniffing, the held-back tears, the gloomimess, the fear to even mention the deceased. The kids, the card games, the Mahjong, the pumpkin seeds, the candies, the peanuts in shells when you don't know what else to do with your hands, the flimsy plastic tablecloth. The things that shouldn't happen but have happened anyway.

Tonight, while lying in bed and for the first time in a long time, we were not too tired or angry with each other to talk. We were chatting about an issue that was starting to annoy me. What happened this afternoon was still in heavy rotation in my brain. To make use of a brief pause as I was desperate to change the subject, I mentioned N to her.

Her immediate reaction?
After a couple of breathless 'huh' and gasps.
Same.
Did he have any siblings?

It occurred to me then, that when this kind of things happen, we don't ask about that person.
We don't care if he felt any pain or discomfort, before, during and after.
We don't question what kind of person he's like.
We don't need to know what kind of food is his favourite, what genre of music he's into, which school he attended, what course he took, how old is he (all of twenty).
We ask about the people around him.
His mother, his father, his brother, his sister.
Whether divorced, separated, living together or not, married, attached, single, not-talking, long-haired, short, employed, attractive, we still want to know.
How will they cope with this loss?
His friends and distant relatives.
How will they feel?
Will this be totally erased from their fleeting, troubled minds after a day or two?
Will acquaintances like me suffer sleepless nights and rethink previous thoughts after hearing about this?
Will friends bawl their eyes out or be hit with nostalgia, haunted with images of him everytime they walk past a place that brings back memories that flood them with scary thoughts of their own?
Their own fear, dream, hope and desire.
Will they always preoccupy them unwillingly?

So I told her.
Totally irrelevantly to what we were discussing about previously, chatting into the night before tossing and turning, making ourselves comfortable and tired enough to fall asleep. Because a part of me wanted her to know that life isn't just about bursaries, who's the billionaire, who's the most responsible and who's the cutest.

Sometimes, life as we know it, is about, death.

hold it in your hands and don't let it fall.

2010-04-07T15:25:00.000+08:00

Was cleaning out the hamster cage this morning, and had to put them in a plastic aquarium for the time being, where they hated it. Shushu (the Daughter) keeps hopping up like a guinea pig, almost reaching the top, while Laolao (the Mom) tried to nap. I'm bad at giving names, because all the nicest ones are either reserved or sounds wrong for a hamster, ahyi thought of these names the other time she came over and they got stuck in my head.

without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

2010-04-01T22:16:00.000+08:00

a rebel doesn't always need a cause.

2010-03-31T22:20:00.000+08:00

by Keri Smith

2010-03-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

Human relationships were strange. I mean you were with one person for a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together and then it stopped. Then there was a short period when you weren't with anybody, then another woman arrived, and you ate with her and you fucked her, and it all seemed so normal, as if you had been waiting just for her and she had been waiting for you. I never felt right being alone; sometimes it felt good but it never felt right.

_

Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, beethoven, back, buddha, christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, new york city, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.

_

I wanted the whole world or nothing.

- Charles Bukowski

the urge is back.

2010-03-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

picture, Erika A.

I'm feeling once again, the indescribably intense and deep desire to dye my hair red. And not just any red, but severely bright, blinding acid, sharp, shocking, Aldoesque, spot-from-a-mile-away kind of red that you just can't put your mind to. But then again, everyone who know me well enough would long have guessed that it's the exact thing I wouldn't have the guts to do. I'm the type who would admire those who do from a fair distance, far enough for them not to notice my awe. Contemplate for a while, and decide that I like how my hair looks just the way it is. Looking at Zooey Dechanel and Daisy Lowe looking beautiful and happy with their own dark, almost black hair, and thinking maybe I could feel the same.

she taught me.

2010-03-12T16:37:00.000+08:00

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

- Have A Little Faith, Mitch Albom

uh-huh.

2010-03-08T14:05:00.000+08:00

Scorpion lollipop from luxirare a while back.

To me, climax is really the anti-climax. You know that feeling. The build-up, the anticipation, the seconds away from explosion, when the result falls short of the expectation. Back to square one.

I really should stop reading other people's blogs and start working on mine. It's not easy to divert back my attention, when there are so many beautiful, informative, inspiring, juicy blogs out there.

wrong side up.

2010-03-06T21:23:00.000+08:00

I'll try to forget

those beautifully sculpted cheekbones
that no guy should ever have
the seemingly endless depth in those eyes
dilated when you looked at me
when you're disinterested
and in the silent dimness
those lips that committed countless crimes
the never-ending fingers tinged with tobacco
with nails longer than mine
and when trimmed
seemed perfectly manicured
pushing back the hair that never fall out of place
except when I ran my fingers through it
just to see how you looked messed up
because I never knew you already were
the earlobes that I shudder to recall
fitted nicely between my lips
the neck warm
faintly cool from the peppermint shower gel
and smells just like you
nose that slightly collided with mine
before it got familiar

the superficies

so they could watch the full moon.

2010-02-27T12:03:00.000+08:00

Hearing the broadcasted news for the forth time on radio that this February was due to be the driest month ever recorded in history in Singapore, I heard thunder, and it started to pour not long after. Isn't life strange? As they say, life is as unpredictable as the weather.

there is nowhere like home, nowhere even close.

2010-02-23T18:20:00.000+08:00

"One never reaches home,' she said. 'But where paths that have an affinity for each other intersect, the whole world looks like home, for a time."

"Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish."

"Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them. "

"One can beg, buy, be presented with and find love in the streets, but it can never be stolen."

"Love is like death. It is fulfillment and an evening after which nothing more may follow."

"It is possible for one never to transgress a single law and still be a bastard."

I am in love with these quotes from Hermann Hesse. Genius.

The Lonesome Highway.

2010-02-17T15:24:00.000+08:00

Vogue Nippon March, Anna Selezneva by Mark Segal

The Flip Side by Peaches.

2010-02-14T23:53:00.000+08:00

"Some people will be forever caught up in the past. A place where the heart & the head are not connected. A place where you are not thinking straight. A place where memory is your image of perfection.

For many, looking back in hindsight is like proving to themselves that they were not always as blinded by the trappings to which they now succumb. It's like your mind is holding you hostage and your heart repeatedly tells you to surrender. In many ways, we are all like Rozencrantz & Guilderstern. Perpetually flipping for a coin for answers, because we have simply sank that low.

There is an extremely experimental element to this approach to life, an approach which becomes dangerous as soon as the initial emotional stimulation has surpassed. So in an unusal sense, I have grown to be very much like you. But in this scenario, I have become very much unlike you.

My past, is my requiem. It was a poem I once wrote and a song no one will ever sing. It is simultaneously bizarre yet reassuring for me to realise that I am a cynic at heart, that I can now lay suspended within this bulletproof glass, carefully observing you as you continue to flip that coin."

by Peaches in Wonderland

TWO EXTREME VIEWS UPON LOVE by Rebecca Kuo

2010-02-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

“It would be difficult to argue that the word “love” didn’t entail a significant amount of universal pertinence. And I believe that this word is embedded within two extremes– love as a drug and love as a ticking time bomb.

Two lovers at the verge of a split are living like they are combating against a war. Living in the fear of the next explosion, they clutch spitefully at every small move. Not calling when advised and not paying enough attention become blown out of proportion. Love becomes a manipulative tug of war game of give and take.

Each will try to gain from this war as much as possible, like the conquerors looting the defeated. Both parties become accustomed experts at playing these foolish games, but in reality there is no winner. Once the time bomb stops ticking – then explodes –both sides have lost because both hearts have simultaneously been shattered.

A pair of lovers in a happy relationship are inseparable, and this is not in any way catalysed though mere obligation to be with one another. Spending time together becomes part of their daily routine and they will nap together like an old married couple. Knowing how to create a smile is simply an intuition- and they will rub their cheeks together after a kiss as it comes through second nature. Baking cookies together past midnight becomes their own invented custom – one that only the two of them will share. After all that’s been said and done, although the pair may not be in love, love is a drug because there is an essential difference between obligation and addiction.

In many ways, through my eyes, human beings are all like little jigsaw puzzles. Because sometimes, in life, when you least expect it, the wholesome way you pieced yourself together to be becomes entirely destroyed by a single individual who you have just met for the first time. And as they take each piece of the puzzle from you one by one, you don’t know why but it doesn’t feel like they are stealing from you. And as they continue to break more and more of your perfect puzzle, without noticing, you find yourself with a few of their pieces, too. By the end of this game, you are both left incomplete, broken and shattered – holding only onto the myriad scattered remains. And not knowing what it is you should be doing with them.”

Read more by Rebecca Kuo at peaches in wonderland.

Hard Believer.

2010-02-13T19:40:00.000+08:00

So you ask for my opinion
Well what is there to say
To be honest and just foolish
Won't make you wanna stay
You've got to go on and get moving
I can't do that for you
Got so many plans and so much you want to do

Love is tough, time is rough
Love is tough, time is rough
Whoa on me

Well I see you've got your bible
Your delusion imagery
Well I don't need your eternity
Or your meaning to feel free
I just live because I love to
And that's enough you see
So don't come preach about morality
That's just human sense to me

Love is tough, time is rough
Love is tough, time is rough
Whoa on me

And it's one life and it's this life
And it's beautiful
And it's beautiful

Love is tough, time is rough
Whoa on me

just another stupid girl

2010-02-09T22:53:00.000+08:00

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe and leaves before she is left.
- Marilyn Monroe

2010-02-06T22:40:00.000+08:00

If it hurts like fuck, it hurts like fuck. There is no why or how or where or who or when. No "I told you so..." or "How on earth did you...". If you even care at all, the least you could do is to pretend not to. A few ooh or ahhs and all problems would be solved. Silence is bliss. There, I've said it.

I stubbed my last toe on the right foot. Yeah. Oh, and
No laughing.

H&M Spring

2010-02-01T22:49:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm solving a rubik's cube or fixing a movable puzzle, arranging these pictures. Gosh, I really miss shopping in Hong Kong and Bangkok! They always seem to have nicer and inexpensive stuff. Of course, H&M in Hong Kong. The Garden Collection and Spring Women and Men Collection are so lovely to look at.

prototype or bona fide

2010-02-01T22:07:00.000+08:00

Zurich suddenly looks like a prototype model. Awesome stuff, especially the mint green roof in the first picture that looks peculiarly like a castle. Check out more at Visual Diary.

PARIS LOVE STORY

2010-02-01T16:18:00.000+08:00

source: Filippa K.

black lace and revelations

2010-02-01T16:03:00.000+08:00

source: Alexander Wang, Express, VPL, Alexander Wang, La Perla, VPL, Stella McCartney, VPL

it can't be helped

2010-01-31T13:22:00.001+08:00

"I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped."

- Frederick S. Perls

part II

2010-01-31T12:57:00.000+08:00

source: vogue, fashiongonerogue, vanillascented, columbinesmile, thisisnaive.

Self Service F/W 2009

2010-01-28T18:32:00.000+08:00

Julia Stegner by Max Farago

facing the back.

2010-01-23T21:33:00.000+08:00

There is nothing that can transit through time or the air that we breathe. We were lucky, it was out of chance, or a sheer coincidence that if I wasn't there at that place, at that particular time, it wouldn't have come to this. If I had decide to take another route, to slow down my footsteps or hasten by a few seconds, things might have turned out different. Once you think you have it, then later on you realise that you never really had the grasp of it all, like the photograph someone took with a film camera in a classroom when you were seven, holding onto the cardboard sword and shield that you painted and covered in aluminum foil in art class - you lost it somewhere along the way, and can't find it back. No matter where you look, the picture so clear in your head, you could almost swore you just saw it yesterday, you know you can't find it. Even if it's hidden in a corner, in the depth of your drawer or between Roald Dahl and Enid Blyton on your bookshelf, you don't know where to look or where to even start searching. There is no point trying to retrieve something that has long gone missing. The feelings. It was real, what I felt. What we felt, or so I thought. I wish to pay no heed to anything. I live to be overlooked. "I don't like facing the back." There are so many pairs of eyes staring, and I don't like it.

fancy some haute couture-cuisine?

2010-01-17T21:06:00.000+08:00

source: the cool hunter

a little distraction doesn't hurt

2010-01-17T13:46:00.000+08:00

Le Hamburger Macaron

2010-01-13T23:10:00.000+08:00

Photograph: Helen Rosner / Eat Me Daily

If Mcdonald's and Ladurée were to have a one-night stand, this is what I imagine their love child would look like. What I've also just discovered is that McCafé in France has long been selling macarons. Those ads just make me wish those hands would suddenly spring to life and pop one of those lovely gems into my awaiting mouth. Can't help but marvel at how delicious they look, I might just die from conceivable saccharine-overdose one day.

Is it a wonder I'm all hung up on food fantasies. I mean, Bob Blumer was my hero back when channel 5 used to show The Surreal Gourmet at 7am on a Saturday morning. My body clock was at it finest, week after week, I'm always surprised at myself for no alarm clock was ever needed. Rousing myself up at 6.55am stays as one of my happiest childhood memories.

you are not what you eat.

2010-01-13T16:31:00.000+08:00

The so-called Irish Breakfast at Durty Nelly's.

Say what you like, but it's evident. 'Why haven't I known this earlier?' You are what you know, you are what you pursue, what you study. Haven't you learn that your entire future starts the moment you graduate and obtain a piece of paper, what looks like a tactile certificate or the intangible qualifications that might actually bring you somewhere, so you might actually go places.

The questions, the doubts and the rejections. Tell yourself that they're bullshits.Who decides that it's finally time to work towards an unspoken dream? Dreams, they never come true, do they? They come in all shapes and sizes, all sorts, absurd and meaningful at once. Last night, I dreamt of Dad, bringing us somewhere where there's hawkers selling all kinds of dishes, all sorts of vegetarian food, meat dishes, traditional desserts, like in the 'good old days'. Then, a bunch of friends and I grabbed some gelato, one of them asked for freeze-dried whole raspberries as a topping, but the staff scooped up some frozen strawberries and began piling them on the gelato. "No!" I stretched out my hand in front of me, and she paused, oblivious. "Raspberries." I tried again, articulating to make sure that she heard me. She looked up and didn't say anything, proceeding to scoop some raspberries... Boring dreams that excites me. Exciting dreams that bore me.

An 'Asian cook' who dreams of doing something that doesn't involve eating or cooking? It comes with a price, like everything else. Dream, in another word, is risk. There's nothing else I can think of.

meaningful.

2010-01-12T21:34:00.000+08:00

image from lelove

"I want to fall in love with somebody. I want to completely possess their heart. I want them to possess mine, but I want them to kind of 'grow apart' from me. And then break my heart. I want to get so caught up in the concept of keeping a relationship alive that I become completely unreasonable and out of touch with reality. I want to pin my entire hopes and dreams and existence to somebody. Inside of my brain, I want there to be a concept of how I want my life to go and what I want it to be. Then I want them to shatter all of this. I want them to break my heart. I want to cry 'authentically'. And feel helpless, and feel like 'nothing matters'. Because the person I love the most doesn't love me back and doesn't share the same vision of the future with me. I want to be sad. I want them to not be sad and treat me like shit and ignore me. [This would make life more meaningful.]"

- Bebe Zeva

real afloat.

2010-01-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

Simply wanting, yearning to stay afloat feels like a burden, like a massive weight I've been wanting all my life to lift off my weary shoulders and my tired heart. Spread over, out and across; lift up and fly away. Twenty, thirty feet above the ground. But, no. Staying afloat isn't enough, it is never enough. People expect you to do something worthwhile, something worth mentioning. Something that doesn't feel like nothing.

What is it that you want so badly? Like a horrifying scene that replays in your mind over and over, and you can't even stop it. Like a warmth that surrounds you, a comforting, familiar, homely feeling, like the moment you steps into your home after a long vacation overseas. Maybe its being alone in the huge dimly lit room half-filled with people. Or the entire weight on your lap as you breathe in, shampoo and sweat, real. Peppermint. Real. Self-censoring, a good practice.

layer by layer.

2010-01-07T15:29:00.000+08:00

eye colour, race, gender, style, religion, height, diet restriction, nationality, beliefs, sense of humour, interest, hair texture, sexuality, the way you spell colour/color, or humour/humor, personality, pursuing engineering/business/design/it/science. oh the differences are endless.

if you could only see past all that.

peel the surface away slowly layer by layer, uncover the superificies, and realising that
we're more similar than different.

whether you're more of an aesthete or a scientist.

"It's only when you look past the past that you will see the future."

- OHX

sleeves 24/7.

2010-01-07T15:06:00.000+08:00

Vogue Russia January, fashion gone rogue.

Hannah Holman by Alasdair McLellan.

wanna wear my hair wild in a mess.

2010-01-06T16:54:00.000+08:00

ACNE Spring 2010. love the hair piled up like that. and those leopard laced ups.

believe it or not.

2010-01-06T01:13:00.000+08:00

"I didn't truly believe in fate until I understood it. Everything does happen for a reason, those reasons just aren't always revealed to you immediately."

- M Kendall

That quote was the best thing I read today. You know how some people are so optimistic about life and things in general, it's mood lifting just hanging around and listening to them? Gen on 987fm is just one of them! And of course, having dinner and playing stupid games with friends you truly can't live without. That really makes me smile.

belle du jour.

2010-01-04T19:00:00.000+08:00

it's a shame i forgot the source together with her name. androgynous is never dated. so are tousled hair, granny cardigans, guitar, plaids and wayfarers.

NO WE DIDN'T

2010-01-04T14:09:00.000+08:00

maybe in our hearts it happened.

many a time we are so caught up in the things we did that we forget the things that we didn't do.

but no we didn't.

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT

2010-01-03T22:23:00.000+08:00

If life is a really short journey like it is, nothing should ever be considered as a failure. They should be setbacks. Obstacles that prevent us from reaching our destination earlier. Detours that can lead to the greatest things you never thought you will ever find.

- OHX

xiii

2010-01-02T19:27:00.000+08:00

We value love not because it's stronger than death but because it's weaker. Say what you want about love: death will finish it. You will not go on loving in the grave, not in any physical way that will at all resemble love as we know it on earth. The perishable nature of love is what gives love its profound importance in our lives. If it were endless, if it were on tap, love wouldn't hit us the way it does.

- Jeffrey Eugenides
My Mistress's Sparrow Is Dead

2010-01-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

1. Finish a book a week. 53 books a year!

2. Save up for a rainy day.

3. Get organized, especially with the insides of my bag.

4. Stay away from my biggest weakness - sweets.

5. Be sweet.

6. Avoid drinking at all cost.

7. Remember birthdays.

8. Make people feel extra special when their birthday rolls around, and special the rest of the 364 days.

9. Always remember, envy is ignorance, imitation is suicide.

10. Open my eyes and appreciate what I do have.

11. Quoting myself two years ago, say what I mean and mean what I say.

12. Keep to my words, come hell or high water.

2010-01-01T20:46:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Alright, you'd have been either blind or a first-time visitor to not notice the change.

Never mind that, first post of the year, and it does feel different. It's the new environment, I reckon. Will the new year bring more joy? Bigger wallet? New hairstyle? More shoes? I'm not sure, but it does bring hope.

"Hope is a very fragile thing in anyone's life." - Patrick Swayze